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Without going into too much detail in a family newspaper, let’s just say their wobbly bits droop as far and as fast as a mother-of-six’s breasts.
And instead of a washboard stomach, they have washboard bottoms.
In Allen’s film You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger, Anthony Hopkins plays Alfie, a married man who dumps his wife Helena and marries a gold-digging prostitute half his age called Charmaine Foxx.
Alfie subjects himself to fake tans and endless gym sessions, wears teenage clothes and watches his bank account dwindle due to her excesses.
But while this may knock off a few years when he’s dressed, when he revealed himself in all his wrinkly majesty, Ms Humphreys will have discovered that he’s not a natural brunette, if you catch my drift.
While so much is written about what happens to women’s bodies when they hit 50 (their breasts and bottoms head south, their tummies never recover from having children, they have stretch marks, cellulite and sagging flesh), very little is said about what happens to men’s bodies at a similar age.
We’ve long become accustomed to the sight of fabulously wealthy and famous older men dating younger women, but when the age gap reaches more than 30 years, you have to wonder what the women can be thinking.
Not that there is any shortage of much younger women keen to go to bed with these gnarled old codgers.
And he has offered it to many women, all young enough to be his daughters, since he separated from his wife of 24 years, Jo.
Even in your 80s, as I know from my own parents, you remember the young person you fell in love with, and they remember you as you were - the soft skin, the bright eyes, the youthful body, the passion and the enthusiasm. But while a lengthy marriage might provide a woman with a bank of memories to draw on when her husband turns grey and doddery, for a young woman going out with a much older man, what you see is what you get.